Dear Vicky
My mother has secretly given my sister £10,000 towards her house renovation. My sister is a doctor and makes a lot more money than I do as a ceramic artist, and besides, when I once asked her for £3,000 to help pay for a photography course, she refused. I feel really angry. How can I let her know without her cutting me out of her will?
C.G.,via email
It can help to think about the ‘roles’ you and your sister have played in the family, writes Vicky Reynal (picture posed by models)
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: There are ways to have a conversation about feeling angry or hurt that invite understanding rather than create distance. But in order to help your mother see the impact of her decision on you, you need to understand why this triggered so much emotion in you and why she might have made this choice.
You might be thinking ‘I know why I am angry: it’s simply unfair.’ And that might be a good part of the reason for your feelings, but try going a little deeper to see what else is getting evoked beneath the surface.
Does this make you feel jealous as it’s yet another example of your sister getting more from your parents – more attention, more money, more support? Does it tap into a long-standing sense of being less supported or valued by your parents? Could it be amplifying feelings of envy towards your sister, especially if your sister’s career has brought her recognition and financial stability, and now she is receiving a handout on top of all that?
Try to untangle to what extent this is hooking onto historic feelings about your mother and sister – so you can better understand whether you are over-reacting in this particular instance.
It can also help to think about the ‘roles’ you and your sister have played in the family. Has your sister been seen as the one in need of help, while you’ve been cast as the independent, self-sufficient one?
Alternatively, if you’ve relied on your parents financially in the past, perhaps their refusal to fund your photography course was, in their minds, a nudge toward independence — whereas they view your sister as already financially secure, and so feel more comfortable giving her a gift without strings.
You might feel – and this is something I have come across in several families – that your parents are more proud of your sister and therefore reward more generously, leaving you feeling invisible.
This might not just hurt you personally, but it might clash with your values if you have willingly chosen a non-traditional career path because you weren’t chasing the same markers of success as the rest of your family.
And while you don’t measure your worth or success in financial terms, it’s nice to feel that the financial support is not just offered to the high-achiever. In such families, the children that choose a non-traditional career path may be seen as lazy or rebellious – rather than simply being seen as having different values yet still be treated with the same respect and generosity as other family members.
All of this may help you understand not just why you’re upset, but what you really want your mother to hear.
When you approach her, start by letting her know how finding out about the money has made you feel. Try – in a kind way and in a calm tone – to explain why you might feel this way and then pause and give her a chance to respond. It’s important that you don’t get on the defensive. This isn’t about winning an argument or proving who is right. It’s about understanding the decision she made, and checking the assumptions you may have, for example, that she loves you or respects you less or is deliberately being unfair.
Sometimes, conversations like these offer the opportunity to do more than just clear the air – they can shift long-held beliefs.
What I have also seen, however, are the ambivalent feelings that then come up for those who chose career paths that don’t reap big financial rewards. They might on one level emphasise the unimportance of money and financial success (and maybe even their contempt for greed), but another level might feel the pain of their financial situation and maybe even some envy for those who have more.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
Money on Your Mind is out now in paperback, £10.99, Bonnier Books
