When my father-in-law retired at 70, he gave us a fabulous Christmas present of £15,000 towards our house renovation. It came in a box with a bow and a card that read, ‘Our present this year is a contribution towards your home.’
Three years later he is asking for the money back (plus interest!), referring to it as ‘the loan’ from three years ago. I wish I still had the card and that my mother-in-law was alive to back us up. I don’t want to ruin the good relationship we have but I don’t want to give the gift back either! What do I do?
Mark F, via email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: It would be natural to feel angry and confused by his request and maybe betrayed as well. You explained to me your father-in-law hasn’t lied or been manipulative in the past so this is surprising behaviour.
The key here is not to jump to conclusions, but instead to consider a wider range of possibilities. People and their memories can be more complex than they seem, especially as life circumstances change.
Could he have genuinely forgotten that it was a gift? This might sound implausible or even conveniently timed but memory distortion is common in older age.
If this is the case a gentle reminder, such as describing the card and the context, might be all it takes to clear the air. It’s worth raising the topic with empathy and curiosity, rather than confrontation.
Sometimes, people rewrite history – not to deceive others but to make sense of their current emotional state.
Vicky Reynal suggests a gentle approach is the way to go if a ‘gift’, such as towards house renovation, turns out to have been a ‘loan’
For example, if your father-in-law has recently felt taken for granted or exploited in other areas of his life, he may be projecting those feelings onto this situation, even if it has nothing to do with you directly.
His request may be less about you than about a broader narrative he has developed around being asked too much of, or not being appreciated enough. That’s not ideal but it is human.
Could it be grief that is distorting his memory or behaviour?
You told me your father-in-law has lost his wife in the past three years, which in itself could lead to such emotional suffering that it could be grief clouding his memories. He might – at a deeper level – have felt robbed of his life partner and the feelings of anger that come with bereavement can be acted out in all sorts of ways. This might be his way of expressing that he feels something is owed to him, even if he can’t articulate why.
Or could there be a financial struggle behind all this? If he’s experiencing financial insecurity, asking for money back under the label of a ‘loan’ may feel less humiliating than admitting he needs help. It may be a way to save face, not deceive.
Retirement for many people creates a shift in how they view their role in the family. If he is feeling particularly powerless in this new position, ‘reclaiming’ money could be a way of unconsciously seeking control and power.
And of course, medical or neurological changes must be considered here. In my experience, people don’t voluntarily let go of their morality so late in life. Sudden changes in behaviour, memory confusion or revisionist thinking can be early signs of cognitive decline, such as dementia, or side effects of new medication. If this is uncharacteristic behaviour for him, it’s worth gently keeping this on your radar. I would find an appropriate moment to approach him and bring this up.
This isn’t just your dilemma, and I urge you to involve your partner. Your wife’s relationship with her father is also at stake. Discuss together how best to respond in a united, loving way.
I would start by saying together that you wanted to talk about the £15,000 he has recently referred to as a loan and tell him a bit about your memory of the events. Try to be as specific as you can in your recollection, mentioning the card, describing the moment. Which room of the house were you in? Who else was there? This might help refresh his memory.
See what he says next – those nudges might be enough to remind him, and he might feel embarrassed or confused about his misremembering. You can show empathy and explain there are no hard feelings and maybe use it as an opportunity to make a kind gesture to repair and reconcile, like welcoming him round for a thank you dinner now that the renovation is (hopefully!) finished.
If he confesses that his mind has been feeling a bit ‘muddled up’ lately, then leave space for that conversation to happen. It might be the first sign of something – of opening up about his grief, or of the need for a health check.
While you are under no moral or legal obligation to repay this gift, the way in which you go about having this conversation can have very different outcomes. I would advise you to handle it with maturity and empathy. Money matters so often harm family relationships – try to protect your boundaries but keep an open mind.
