Dear Vicky, my boyfriend asked me to contribute to the present for his friend’s wedding I am attending as a plus one. I’m really confused. Is this a red flag?
A.R., via email
Vicky Reynal replies: It makes sense that you feel conflicted. Your instinct that something feels off is worth listening to – especially as you’re being asked to contribute to a gift for someone you don’t have a personal connection with.
But rather than immediately pushing back on the request, it’s worth being curious about it. Since you’re in a relationship, understanding why your boyfriend made this request may be more valuable in the long run than simply ‘winning’ the disagreement.
Psychologically, this moment opens up an opportunity to explore deeper dynamics – his views on financial boundaries, gender roles, and expectations around money in relationships.
Vicky Reynal suggests using a situation like this to learn about how your partner handles money, as this can reveal a lot about how they behave and what the expects in relationships
There are several plausible (and benign) explanations. He might, for instance, be used to splitting the cost of gifts with a previous partner, especially if they were both friends of the couple. He may have mentioned it casually to you, without thinking much about it. He might be trying to communicate that he expects shared financial responsibilities in the relationship, and mistakenly placed this in the same category as shared travel or accommodation costs – without realising that, when it comes to gifts, it’s typically the person with the personal connection who takes the lead.
Or perhaps the gift he had in mind turned out to be more expensive than he expected, and he’s trying to offset that – though it’s still not your responsibility.
This could also be his way of letting you know that he is taking your relationship seriously. By asking you to contribute equally to the present he is ‘bringing you in’, wanting to make you feel like ‘one of his group’ rather than simply a plus one. Even if that’s his intention, I am not sure it’s the best way to demonstrate the sentiment. However, understanding the intention behind his request is important so you don’t jump to unfavourable conclusions without giving him a chance to explain.
It’s also worth gently checking that this isn’t a less conscious attempt to ‘settle a score’ financial or otherwise, because he feels you owe him in some way. Even if that’s not intentional, that kind of logic can sometimes sneak into how people think about money.
You might also be wondering whether this points to a deeper character issue, such as his being opportunistic, stingy, or controlling. These are valid concerns, but before making any hasty decisions, consider the broader pattern.
Does your boyfriend’s request fit with how you’ve seen him handle money or fairness in the relationship so far? Has he shown a tendency to shift costs on to others, or somehow avoid pulling his weight, or even manoeuvre for advantage? Again, think more broadly than just in financial dealings. Or does this feel out of character?
The key is to approach a conversation with him with an open mind.
You might say something like, ‘I was surprised when you asked me to contribute to your friend’s wedding gift, and I’d like to understand your thinking behind it’. That allows you to hear his perspective without putting him on the defensive, plus it opens the conversation as to how you might want to handle financial boundaries more broadly.
So even if I agree that this isn’t a usual request and you can make your boundaries clear, use it also as an opportunity to learn something about him. How he handles money, especially in small, emotionally loaded moments like this, can reveal a lot about how he behaves and what he expects in relationships.
You could also think about approaching the wider financial choices involved in attending the wedding.
Maybe you are staying in a hotel overnight, or have to pay for travel there and back, so introduce this into the conversation to test and understand his views on how money should be handled and how compromises are found.
Was he expecting to split all costs? What are your expectations? How did you handle expenses related to your own friends’ weddings? If there was a difference, why is that? Would you be happy to split the cost of the gift if you changed the arrangement around other expenses?
By stating your own financial boundaries with warmth and clarity, you’re not just protecting your financial integrity, you’re showing him how you expect conflict to be handled and differences to be managed, which is far more valuable than any wedding gift.
- Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk. Vicky’s book, Money On Your Mind, is out in paperback with Bonnier Books, £10.99.
