The Birdcage is back, baby – and this year at Flemington’s Derby Day, it felt like Melbourne‘s pre-pandemic, champagne-soaked chaos had finally roared back to life.
The marquees spared no expense. For one glorious afternoon of Gatsby-esque extravagance, we all forgot we were in the middle of a cost-of-living crisis.
Crown, Mumm, Lexus, Don Julio, TAB – all of them had clearly had a bump in their budgets this year, and it was spectacular to see.
But, let’s start where all good stories begin: the ladies’ bathrooms.
The atmosphere was thick with perfume, gossip – and, in one marquee at least, MDMA. That’s right: the drug we once called ‘pingers’ appeared to be the recreational pharmaceutical of choice for a certain set of non-famous racegoers.
Inside the bathrooms, I found myself – somewhat reluctantly – drawn into a spirited debate about the resurgence of polka dots. I wish I were joking. For a solid ten minutes, I was trapped listening to women passionately argue the merits of ‘classic monochrome’ versus ‘retro red’. The fashion stakes, it seemed, were sky-high.
The Birdcage is back, baby – and this year at Flemington’s Derby Day, it felt like Melbourne’s pre-pandemic, champagne-soaked chaos had finally roared back to life
But just when I thought I’d escaped the polka dot symposium, the next stall over erupted into an even livelier chat about the price of cocaine versus MDMA.
It turns out the drug of choice this season isn’t Sydney’s favourite Peruvian import but rather ecstasy, praised by the girlies for lasting longer and being far better value.
Derby Day always delivers surprises, doesn’t it?
Ozempic was MDMA’s supporting co-star of the day, too. Let’s just say, the trays of lobster rolls and chocolate mousse were largely untouched by the ladies of the Birdcage – a tragedy for some, a triumph for me, who made up for their lost appetites.
Things really kicked off inside the Crown marquee, which had more drama at the door than a Logies after-party.
A junior PR gatekeeper – affectionately known in the industry as a ‘door bitch’ – clearly wasn’t a Daily Mail reader, because she turned away Samantha Armytage.
A small crisis ensued until a more senior publicist swooped in to restore order.
Once inside, it was worth the kerfuffle: the cocktails were next level, and the décor was like a Heston Blumenthal fantasy, complete with mushroom sculptures made out of chocolate. And the guest list? Easily the best in the Birdcage.
The dance floor entertainment on offer in the Crown marquee was next level
The oysters in the G.H. Mumm marquee were a highlight (left) as were the Heston Blumenthal-inspired chocolate mushroom sculptures in the Crown marquee (right)
This was my view from upstairs at the G.H. Mumm marquee
Lindy Klim (right) was in fine form, gushing about her plans to get married in New York City. Likewise, Pip Edwards’s wicked sense of humour would have left the Birdcage prudes outraged
Lindy Klim was my undisputed best on ground. Her carefree attitude showed not a hint of celebrity snobbery – impressive for a literal princess – and she was clearly in her element alongside partner Paul Mullert, who matched her energy beat for beat.
They told me they might tie the knot in New York, and naturally I invited myself along.
Pip Edwards floated over looking every inch the ‘It’ girl, joining our table for some cheeky chit-chat. Fun fact: she has a wicked sense of humour that would leave the Birdcage prudes outraged. And yes, her skin does look that glowy and smooth in real life.
I also bumped into my doppelgänger Carrie Bickmore for a long overdue hug. I was tempted to snatch her gorgeous lace black Louboutins off her feet and make a run for it, but reminded myself to stay classy.
Like most women in the Birdcage this year, she had chosen to bring a friend instead of a man and I think British Vogue is really on to something with their fabulously outrageous op-ed last week: ‘Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?’
Judging by Sam, Carrie, Pip and even Tammy Hembrow – who were all surrounded by girls and gays – the answer is a resounding ‘yes’!
And on the subject, I spied no outrageous flirting or sly hook-ups in the marquees. Well, except for me doing my best to nab a sexy Irish AFL player…
In fact, the most striking ‘coupling’ of the day was the unexpected blossoming of a friendship between Pip and Bec Judd – the reigning society queens of Sydney and Melbourne respectively. I guess that famous interstate rivalry is finally cooling off.
Elsewhere, Karl Stefanovic was spotted wearing a cowboy hat so large it could’ve rivalled Lenny Kravitz‘s scarf. Yet somehow, against all odds, it worked in that ‘oh, Karl’ quirky sort of way.
While the TAB marquee’s male guests left something to be desired, it earned points for a thoughtful touch: two makeup artists stationed in the ladies’ bathrooms with kits at the ready
After three strong cocktails, it was nothing short of a blessing
Over at the TAB marquee, the vibe was less ‘fashion influencer’ and more ‘bloke who peaked during the Makybe Diva years’.
There, I found myself cornered by a 45-year-old man who proudly announced he’d never date a woman over 35. He even specified that 29 was his ‘sweet spot’, which tells you everything you need to know about him. The moment I said I was 41, he looked like his favourite had fallen at the first hurdle.
Naturally, I didn’t let him off the hook for that. After finishing my TED Talk about why he was a walking red flag, I asked him what on earth he’d talk to a 29-year-old about besides his hairline and his hangovers.
His answer left a lot to be desired.
Credit where it’s due: the TAB marquee earned praise for its thoughtful touch – two makeup artists stationed in the ladies’ bathrooms, kits at the ready, refreshing guests’ glam. After three strong cocktails, it was nothing short of a blessing.
On to the next marquee…
The extravagantly designed, ruby red G.H. Mumm marquee was heaving with AFL players – including one handsome Irishman who could charm the feathers off a fascinator.
Beverly Rooftop owner (and former fling of Pip Edwards) Cam Northway was also in fine form, politely pointing out a rogue scratch on my nose before it became immortalised in photos. A gentleman and a lifesaver.
It wouldn’t be Derby Day without bumping into the always charming Richard Wilkins (right)
This marquee was where the food truly stole the spotlight. Upstairs, they offered a dining experience that was catered by Olympus, including the finest lamb chops that were made to be paired with a beautiful glass of vintage G.H. Mumm.
In the two-storey main area, there were lobster rolls, oysters with green olive and dry martini vinaigrette, caviar bites, and the best photo wall in the Birdcage – personally approved by Tammy Hembrow, who was posing up a storm.
To cap it all off, it was hilarious to watch footy players coyly ask their mates to take snaps of them in front of the outrageously large ruby-red G.H. Mumm logo. ‘It’s for my Raya profile.’ Bless them.
By the end of the day, one thing was clear: the Birdcage is officially back to its outrageous, over-the-top best. Within the million-dollar marquees, it was all glamour, gossip and glorious chaos.
The only sign of the cost-of-living crunch? The bags are out – and the pingers are in.
But the fun didn’t stop after the last race. Society and Don Julio threw an incredible after-party, and somehow we all powered through sore feet to get up on the dance floor and shimmy to surprise guest Lupe Fiasco.
The usual beautiful faces were there: Pip, Lindy, Richard Wilkins and his younger girlfriend Mia Hawkswell. I even managed to make a certain controversial Sydney identity giggle – and that’s when I knew my night had peaked.
So I took my aching feet and split leather dress (a fashion travesty from one too many lunges on the dance floor) home for a solid eight hours of sleep.
Safe to say, recession fears clearly hadn’t hit the Flemington set. At Derby Day, Melbourne reminded us why she’s still the queen of the track when it comes to throwing a party.
- Jana’s observations regarding racegoers discussing MDMA and cocaine are general in nature and do not refer to, or implicate, any of the celebrities mentioned or pictured in this article.
- The TAB marquee ‘lounge lizard’ referenced in the headline is described anonymously and is neither named nor pictured elsewhere in this column.
