Dear Jane,
I am a divorcee and I used to be convinced I’d never remarry.
But, after a long time on my own, I finally started to date again and I now I’m in a serious relationship with a man who has changed all that.
The problem is, I’m worried that my medical history will be a dealbreaker.
I really like him – we have so much in common and get along great – but on our last date, the topic turned to cosmetic surgery. He revealed that he thinks any kind of aesthetic procedure is a turn off and he finds aging gracefully to be sexier.
He went on and on about how he could never date someone who had plastic surgery, and I didn’t have the heart to say that I have, in fact, gone under the knife.
After my divorce, I splurged on a facelift and I believed it was the best decision I’ve ever made – but now I fear that if I tell him, he’ll leave.
I don’t want to do or say anything that could ruin what has grown into a wonderful relationship. But, I feel so guilty at the thought of deliberately keeping this from him, even though my medical history is really none of his business.
Do I tell the truth and risk losing him, or should I keep this to myself?
Sincerely,
Surgery Secrets
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Surgery Secrets,
It’s easy to compile of list of absolute dealbreakers.
In doing so, we forget that people are human and that life is nuanced. We don’t get to choose who we fall for, and those things we once thought were dealbreakers might not be so bad once we get to know someone.
Take my dating app profile for example.
It is clear that I have tattoos and occasionally smoke. But you wouldn’t believe the number of people who have liked me who also say on their own profiles that they won’t date smokers or people with tattoos!
So, if he is the right person for you, your facelift should not matter.
I am struck by the thought that you might be a people-pleaser and that suppressing your own needs to make your partner happy, might have been something you experienced in your marriage.
The fact that you are considering keeping your surgery a secret because of how you fear he will react tells me you are falling into that pattern again.
But there are no circumstances in which not telling him is a good idea.
That is no foundation on which to build a healthy relationship, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Good for you for doing work that made you feel great.
I would also caution you to slow down. It takes a long to get to know someone, and it’s important to see how flexible he is in his thinking.
Someone who walks away as a result of you sharing this truth is not someone you would be happy with anyway. You would spend the relationship trying to bend to his needs, rather than listening to your own.
You deserve – we all deserve – someone who falls in love with all that we are, and all that we have been. That person might not like the choices we have made in the past, but who he accepts them.
Dear Jane,
I am the godmother to my friend’s son and, as a result, am the de facto babysitter.
But something happened the last time I watched him and I’m torn about whether to tell my friends.
He’s finally at the age where his parents are encouraging him to walk – he was able to stand on his own but had yet to take his first steps.
However, this week I babysat while my friends went on a date, and he took a few steps towards me before falling on the carpet.
At first I was overjoyed that he had hit such a major milestone – then, reality set in. His parents had missed the momentous occasion.
Knowing them, I was sure they’d be heartbroken, so I didn’t mention it when they returned home. But now, days later, I’m feeling guilty.
Do I come clean and admit I saw him take his first steps, or do I pretend nothing happened and let them believe they shared that moment with him?
Sincerely,
Major misstep
Dear Major misstep,
I don’t know that this is as major a misstep as you think.
While I believe secrets are corrosive, and get in the way of relationships, I’m not sure that this entirely qualifies as one.
If you didn’t know how excited they were about him walking, you might not have even thought to mention it.
In fact, the more you make it a big deal, the weightier it becomes.
There are a couple of options here.
Given how excited they were about witnessing the baby’s first steps, there is no harm in quietly letting them have their version.
Babies often take a few wobbly sample steps before they actually start walking, and they may still get to have their moment.
If you don’t think you can live with the guilt, you can casually mention that he tried a couple of steps with you and he’s learning so quickly! Say you were thrilled, and can’t wait for him to do it properly with them.
This shares the joy, rather than stealing it.
The middle ground might be waiting for some point in the future, when they bring up the subject of him walking, at which time you can say that you were convinced he took a step when you were babysitting.
Whatever choice you make – whichever causes the least harm and feels most true to you – doesn’t have to be this giant boulder that sits in the middle of your relationship with them.
