The return of this year’s I’m A Celebrity brings with it the annual battle of the shower scene, as stars compete to recreate Myleene Klass‘s iconic white bikini moment.
This year first Kelly Brook and now presenter Vogue Williams have stripped to their smalls in the hope of generating headlines and, quite possibly, a swimwear contract.
Still, as I enviously watched Vogue shimmy her 40-year-old toned body into the water in a skimpy red bikini, I was also struck by how much sexier model Kelly, 46, had looked only a few days earlier.
For, while Vogue has enviable athleticism, what she lacked was a power cleavage. Indeed she didn’t seem to have any cleavage at all.
Like all buxom women – Kelly included – I know how potent a generous decolletage can be, and not just on men. If and when I’ve used it to my advantage, I’ve excused it as my body-type’s revenge on what is nowadays called ‘thin-privilege’ – getting ahead simply because you’re skinny.
And why shouldn’t I? I might as well get something out of a situation that has often been inconvenient and sometimes downright troublesome.
Growing up I didn’t love my breasts.
As a teenager, their sudden presence put an end to my netball prowess and killed my love of skateboarding. Meanwhile they elicited sexual attention before I was ready or interested.
Model Kelly Brook was this year’s first I’m A Celebrity star to recreate Myleene Klass’s iconic white bikini moment
‘While Vogue has enviable athleticism, what she lacked was a power cleavage. Indeed she didn’t seem to have any cleavage at all,’ writes Katie Glass
Shopping for clothes in the era of Kate Moss and skinny ladette fashion was a nightmare, and even now the high street can be frustrating. Any dress or top that nicely fits my waist is usually one I can’t squeeze my chest into. As a result, I resort to sizing-up and wearing something unflattering, baggy and shapeless.
Even then, it’s near impossible to find clothing I look modest in. Even the slightest low-cut top can have eye-popping results. E-cup bosoms rule out high-neck T-shirts and, God forbid, polo necks, which are as effective a means of camouflage as hiding two watermelons in a pair of tights.
It was only in my 20s that I started to appreciate the ways in which an hour-glass figure might be attractive.
And the more I learnt how to dress for it, the more I started enjoying my decolletage. I discovered that, in the right clothes – mostly Vivienne Westwood – the fabric drapes and falls in a way that flatters rather than bulks my curves.
Embracing my power cleavage has proved positive in other ways too. On a practical level, I use my vast bras to save me taking a handbag on a night out (I’ve found my phone, my lighter and my keys can all fit nicely in an E cup).
But what I really love is the way my boobs take up space and make me feel instantly more confident, especially when I roll my shoulders back and stick my chest out.
Katie Glass says embracing her power cleavage is practical too – she can use her bras instead of a handbag on a night out
Now aged 44, I love the way my cleavage hides a multitude of other sins. Men don’t get as far as noticing my tummy when they are so entranced by the display of flesh above it, though, yes, it’s obviously annoying having people stare at your boobs while they’re supposed to be talking to you. I’ve certainly hollered, ‘Hello, I’m up here!’ a few times. Women’s bodies have been judged for centuries, of course – and the 1990s sent mixed messages.
On the one hand those flat-chested supermodels and on the other Pamela Anderson bouncing in slow motion on Baywatch wearing just a red swimsuit. Eva Herzigova, too, caused traffic accidents with her ‘Hello Boys’ Wonderbra campaign – a cultural moment that has stoked controversy ever since. Then there was Elizabeth Hurley arriving at the Four Weddings and a Funeral premiere in Versace, the dress seemingly clinging on for dear life to her bosom thanks to a few safety-pins.
Hurley certainly knew all about ‘sexual capital’, the term coined by sociologist Catherine Hakim in her book Honey Money: The Power of Erotic Capital, to describe the advantage women elicit from being sexually attractive. Hakim claims it’s as powerful an asset as any academic qualification, although – unlike a degree – its power generally wanes with time.
Certainly having a cleavage does have an amusing effect on men, who seem to be mesmerised by mammary glands, as any woman with a generous bosom knows (even if not all of them will admit it).
I don’t think I’ve ever got a job out of being curvaceous (perhaps if I’d chosen a career other than writing…), but I can think of various times in my life that my cleavage has got me preferential treatment – from being ushered into nightclubs to getting a discount at the garage.
I admit to consciously undoing the top button of my shirt on numerous occasions.
A few years ago, when my campervan got stuck in a ditch in the middle of the countryside, I headed off to find a farmer to help, making sure a generous swathe of flesh was on show. It almost always works.
Sexual attention is only enjoyable when it comes from people you also find attractive, of course. But I’d be lying if I pretended I’ve never enjoyed the way men find my boobs appealing. (Indeed, on the occasions I have dated women I feel oddly stripped of one of my sexual powers – as woman are simply not interested!)
An evolutionary psychologist would probably cite subconscious associations with fertility and youth. And it works the other way too: I’d rather be with a man who lusts after a curvaceous grown-up woman than one who fancies younger waifs.
Indeed, there’s something reassuring about the fact that – given women’s constant, unhealthy obsession with their weight – it’s Kelly Brook’s healthier body type that men always say they find most attractive.
As someone who has rarely loved their body, having spent my whole life struggling with my weight, appreciating the gorgeousness of my bosom has gone some way to alleviate my self-consciousness, too. When I do occasionally slim down, nowadays I stop at the moment my boobs start to vanish.
So I’m all for Kelly weaponising her cleavage on I’m A Celebrity – here’s to seeing more of the six bikinis she’s supposedly taken into the camp.
Because not only do I think it will undoubtedly win her the male vote, but it will enable a new generation of curvy women to recognise the extraordinary power of their bodies, too.
