Whether it’s ‘you look beautiful’ or ‘you’re such a great cook’, it’s usually nice to receive a compliment from your partner.
However, if you want a happy relationship, there are two phrases you should steer clear of.
At a surface level, these phrases sound fairly harmless.
But, they may unintentionally serve to ‘instruct’ rather than ‘affirm’, an expert has warned.
Dr Mark Travers, an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder, said people probably say them without realising the potential negative consequences.
‘Compliments can be disarming. They make us feel chosen and understood in ways that other words rarely do,’ he explained.
‘But sometimes, the praise that feels the most flattering is also the praise that teaches us to edit ourselves.’
So, are you guilty of saying either compliment to your partner?
If you want a happy relationship, experts say there are two phrases you should steer clear of (stock image)
‘HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS SO CALM?’
‘This is a praise that can be used to reward emotional silence, not emotional strength,’ Dr Travers wrote on Psychology Today.
He explained that while it might sound like a genuine compliment at first, it may be a reflection of how relieved you are that your partner did not have an emotional reaction.
As a result, a person could feel ‘implicitly incentivised to perform that calmness’ even when they are hurting, he said.
‘When emotional suppression is praised in adult relationships, it reinforces the message that your worth lies in being agreeable and low-maintenance,’ he said.
It could mean your partner may try to appear calm, even in moments of deep hurt, because that role has previously been rewarded, he added.
‘YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON I CAN TALK TO’
Saying this to your partner can make them feel responsible for your emotional regulation, Dr Travers warned.
Telling your partner they’re ‘the only one you can talk to’ can make them feel responsible for your emotional regulation (stock image)
While it may seem like the highest form of trust, it can be ‘less about connection and more about emotional dependency’.
He referenced a previous study on ’emotionships’ that found people experience better mental health when they turn to different individuals for different emotional needs.
For example, having one friend who can calm your anxiety while another friend is who you turn to if you need a vent.
‘This diversity in emotional support leads to greater wellbeing, because no single relationship is overloaded with the task of holding it all,’ Dr Travers said.
If you tell someone they’re the only person you can talk to, it creates an ‘unspoken pressure to be endlessly available’ and a sense of ’emotional obligation’, he added.
Dr Travers previously revealed three nicknames that could indicate your relationship is doomed to fail.
These include ‘Babe’, ‘Sweetheart’ and ‘Angel’, and can act as ’emotional wallpaper’ for deeper issues.
Pet names can simulate intimacy before it’s truly earned, can dismiss someone’s worries rather than dealing with them, and deflect the real issue rather than resolve it.
